So drunk its hurt
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
