I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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