I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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