my vag is so smooth its legendary
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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