went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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