She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
