update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
