just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
