so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
