i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
