I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
