Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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