Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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