Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
