Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
