Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
