I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
