saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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