Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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