Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
