Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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