Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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