it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
