you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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