i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
