Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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