Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
