His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
