It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
