Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
