Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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