I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
