I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
