i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
