I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
