i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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