Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
