You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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