Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
