between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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