threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
