I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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