Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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