Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
