I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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