Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
