the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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