The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
dude. I can hear the air.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
