the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Fuck me I smell like cheese
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
