The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
